White Wedding

June 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Traffic prevented me from reaching my cousin’s wedding on Friday, but I did manage to make the reception.  We all know the reception is the best part anyway so I guess I shouldn’t complain.  My cousin looked beautiful in her huge white dress and all of the other members of the bridal party looked equally elegant and dapper.  My free wine helped me reflect on some of the other weddings I’ve been to in my day and on Saturday I spent some time with an old friend who also got me thinking.  Her sister is getting married later this year and has dropped an INSANE amount of money on the dress, ring and wedding in general.  IF (this is a big if) I ever drag myself down the aisle, here are some things that will not be a part of my ceremony.

  • A huge, frilly white dress that I can only wear once.  It wouldn’t need to be white (because who am I kidding?) and if I had any train whatsoever I would be almost guaranteed to trip and fall.  My friend’s sister spent more than $3,000.00 on her dress and that made me throw up in my mouth a little. Any dress of mine would definitely be practical.
  • Strict religion.  Sorry, Mom, but if I ever get married my ceremony will be lacking a traditional priest and a church.  I will instead have a gay pastor who usually spends his or her time preaching to groups of ethnically and spiritually diverse populations, and I will be married in a place with little to no religious affiliation.  Hmm, unless the person I’m marrying has an opinion on this.  I could also have a friend get ordained online and marry me as my wedding gift (I’m all about spending more money on the honeymoon than the wedding itself).
  • A buffet with ham sandwiches.  My wedding would be completely vegetarian and I would serve all kinds of food my family would furrow their brow and turn their nose up at.  Okay that’s not entirely true, I would have something for my meat-eating guests but I would also have quite the spread for my veggie friends.  We herbivores always get shafted at the wedding buffet.
  • Birds of any kind.  I’ve seen footage of a wedding where doves were released at the end of the ceremony and there ended up being bird crap all over the place.  Funny to watch but probably not so funny to live.
  • Monogrammed anything.  I can’t even imagine how pricey it is to get initials or names printed all over napkins and plates and it all ends up in the trash anyway.  Maybe I’d give my cousin’s kids some crayons and let them go to town on decorating, but that would be about it.
  • Music that includes any sort of choreographed dance.  This means no Electric Slide, no Chicken Dance and no YMCA.  My wedding will have swing and ballroom dancing only.  Again, that might not be entirely true, but I am dead serious about the Electric Slide.  I freaking hate that song and I’m a little peeved at myself for writing about it because now it’s in my head.  Boogie woogie, woogie.  Damnit.

This doesn’t mean my imaginary wedding wouldn’t be fun.  Things I would have include: an open bar, non choreographed dancing, different music for when the grandparents go home, strippers dancing in boxes (grandparents might actually enjoy this), a hot air balloon, camels to ride down the aisle, one of those Rent-a-Photobooths, recycling, a small group of people to constantly walk behind me and tell me how pretty I look, an organ, circus performers, one hundred thousand roses and an ice sculpture specifically designed to drink liquor from (I might be being facetious about a few of the things on that list).  Of course, these are just random thoughts.  I’m sure any person lucky enough to marry me would have some of their own awesome ideas to add as well.

Good thing the possibility of me getting married is, at the very least, many years away.  From what I’ve heard those Rent-a-Photobooths can have quite the waitlist.

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