You’ll Put You Eye Out!

June 24, 2011 at 10:02 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

This morning, I watched a woman seated across from me on the train attempt to apply her eye make-up.  Don’t worry, I wasn’t a creepy stalker – this picture is not of her and is from the more anonymous  internet instead.

Not. Safe.

I see this surprisingly often and I just don’t understand it.  Every day, countless men and women lose their balance and dangerous bodily collisions are made all over the trains.  People drop their groceries, bags and children in attempts to stay upright and yet these brazen women are poking at their eyeballs with sharp little sticks covered in goo.  How can they possibly think this is a good idea?

I’m not saying they shouldn’t be wearing make-up.  But maybe they should consider waking up 2 minutes earlier and applying it before leaving the house.  I get all anxious watching them try to paint their faces because I’m just waiting for a catastrophic injury to occur.  As in, poking out an eyeball.  If this happened I suppose I could save the day by donating the Tupperware I carry my lunch in to house the poked out eye until the woman could be taken to the hospital but in reality I’d probably freeze with horror and forget to make that an option.

I mean, I know how often I poke myself with my mascara while I’m standing completely still in the bathroom and concentrating with all my might.  Perhaps other women are born with inherent ninja moves that allow them to apply make-up with efficiency and ease – but if that’s the case, why am I lacking that gene?  I was actually told this week by a male friend that I’m a “bad woman” because I had to Google the term “romcom”.  It means romantic comedy but I thought it had something to do with video games or the internet.  He said this in the nicest way possible but now I’m thinking that I’m missing part of an X chromosome.

Oh well.  I’m not putting my own eyesight and health at risk so I guess I shouldn’t really worry about it.  But if I have to rescue some hapless woman on the train and I won’t be able to keep from saying “Eye I told you so”.

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One Score and Six Years Ago…

February 4, 2010 at 3:16 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

…I arrived in this world (this is me seven months after that.  I know, I’m adorable).  Before I go any further in this post, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my mom.  I get a lot of attention and well wishes on this day but she’s really the one who did all the work – I kind of just showed up.  My mom is the best mom I could ever ask for and I must admit, I think she did a pretty fantastic job raising me (I’m not biased or anything).   She’s the strongest woman I know and she’s given me care, courage and confidence when nothing else could.  Much of my independent, dynamic personality stems from things she taught me.  So to Mom – Thank You.  For everything.  And in honor of what you did all those many years ago, I’m going to retell the story of the night of my birth (it’s still fresh in my head since it was repeated to me just last night).

Apparently, my mom went to the doctor on February 3rd and was told that it would be a while before I made my grand entrance into the universe.  I wasn’t due until Valentine’s Day so the doctor told Mom that he would see her next week as he sent her on her way.  She went home and made my dad rub her back because I guess I was a pain in that particular body part from the very beginning.  Around 1:30 in the morning, Mom woke up and realized I would be coming into the world a bit sooner than anticipated.  So what did she decide to do?  Take a bath and apply a full face of make-up, of course.

Before I continue, I would just like to say that when it comes to scary google image searches, the word pregnant is just about as terrifying as the phrase chicken pox.  In case you’re too much of a wuss to check it out for yourself (not that I’d blame you), I’ll just say that the very first image that I saw was of a hugely pregnant stomach and a clear, tiny footprint coming from inside.  What.  The.  Crap.  I don’t know if that photo is real (or possible) but if it is then my mind has just been blown.  Can an unborn baby really press so hard against the stomach that you can see that much of its outline?  Am I the only one who thinks that thought is incredibly disturbing and reminiscent of the movie Alien?  I guess there are some things I’m going to have to come to terms with if and when I decide to procreate.  I thought of using that photo instead of Barbie (who’s creepy in her own ways, especially in this picture) but I know I’ll never be able to unsee the image and I didn’t want to inflict it on anyone else.

Back to my own birth.  So there’s my mom, calmly applying mascara like she’s getting ready to go to the mall, while my dad was likely pacing while chain smoking to try and stay calm (this may or may not have been before the general public realized smoking around babies is bad.  Am I really that old?).  After Mom was sufficiently primped they took off for the hospital, where I decided to further complicate things by turning breech.  Mom was planning for the whole natural-birth thing (I told you she’s the strongest woman I know) and I kind of botched those plans, because giving birth without drugs is extremely difficult when they’re going to slice open your stomach.  I was eventually born via c section so I can officially say I’ve been doing things my own way from day one.  Oh, and in what I can only assume was a display of my future vegetarianism from womb, my unexpected arrival caused the spoiling of some pork chops that Mom had laid out for dinner the next night.

As you can see from the photo at the top of the post, I was the cutest baby this planet has ever seen.  It took me a while, but I eventually grew into the phenomenally badass and outrageously awesome woman writing this entry.  This particular birthday has been good so far, and with a vacation day staring me in the face tomorrow I’m sure it’s only going to get better.  I had a nice Happy Birthday banner over my desk when I walked in this morning (AND it has Curious George on it – ironic, since my boss didn’t know of my lifelong passion for that devilish monkey) and the whole office just sang to me and gave me a huge chocolate cupcake.  Tonight I’ll be playing some dirty bingo with a some dirty minded friends and I have various excursions and outings planned all weekend.  I’m sure you’ll be able to read all about it in the next few days.  Until then, thanks again Mom and Happy Birthday to Me!

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