Squish Squash

August 26, 2015 at 4:48 pm (Uncategorized)


No one really likes mammograms but they are a necessary evil, especially if you have a history of breast cancer in your family. I’ve been getting them for a few years now and while it’s not exactly a walk in the park, it’s not the absolute worst thing in the world either. For instance, I once had a catheter and that was slightly worse! Just joking. Sort of. At least mammograms are over fairly quickly and there’s only one technician in there in case you cry.

I planned ahead for my recent boob-squeezing and took the entire day off of work. I had a morning appointment, which Scott was nice enough to drive me to, and then I used an old gift card for some spa treatment that afternoon (a facial – I’ll get to that later). The doctor’s office told me to allow three hours for my appointment and since I was finished in about 45 minutes, I had a bit of time to kill before my facial. Scott had a class so I was on my own to date my favorite city and since it was a gorgeous day I started wandering around. All I wanted in the world was brunch and a Bloody Mary but apparently brunch is only a weekend thing downtown, as I found out the hard way. Silly white people and their silly weekend-only brunches. I finally settled on some outdoor cafe place where I ordered a veggie burger and my blessed Bloody Mary (the burger had the option of a fried egg on top which would have satisfied part of my craving but I passed on that). After my meal, I walked along the beach for a while and found a place to read, which I occupied until it was time to head to my fancy spa date.

I did NOT look like this. Thank gods.

Now for a disclaimer – the only spa type treatments I’ve ever received are manicures, pedicures and massages. Since I had this gift card to use I decided to try something totally new and different, hence the facial. I even added on some sort of peel just because I could. When I arrived at the spa, I felt all famous and posh because they gave me a nice robe and slippers to wear and even offered some strawberry water as refreshment. If I’d known what was coming I may have requested another Bloody Mary but oh well. So the facial took place in a warm room under a warm blanket, with a warm water mister thing spraying constantly in my face. I get that it was all to open my pores and everything but I’m not going to lie, I was sweating like a whore in church. Then the technician started working on me and at first it was nice and relaxing. Then she warned me of an incoming burning/tingling sensation and boy was she right about that. She fanned my face for a bit, which helped, but then when I tried to scratch the itch on my shoulder she snapped at me to keep my hands far away from her workspace. Okay, my fingers have oils and bacteria and sin on them so I understand that too. At this point I was uncomfortable and when she started asking me about my skin-care regimen, I became really uncomfortable. Apparently I’m like a ten-year-old boy in that I’m not using proper cleansers and moisturizers and I’m lucky the skin on my face hasn’t fallen completely off. So then the technician started pinching and prodding my skin in what I can only assume was an attempt to squeeze all of the crap out of my face and into the palm of her hand. I don’t know for sure because my eyes were shut tight to prevent tears from leaking out. All I could think was how I could’ve been getting a massage instead of this medieval torture but it was too late for all that. Honestly, that part of the facial was almost as bad as the mammogram.

In the end, my skin was smoother than it’s been since I was fresh out of the womb. Then I went out and bought new facial cleanser and lotion because I’ll be damned if I get facials four times a year like the technician recommended. But hey, at least I didn’t have an allergic reaction! And at least I didn’t have to pay for it myself. Plus, the redness from my face matched the redness on my chest and gave me a good excuse to spend the rest of the day on the couch!

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