Questions I Wish I Could Ask My Cat

April 23, 2012 at 11:44 am (Uncategorized) ()


  • Why must you insist on staring me in the face 2 minutes before my alarm goes off and meowing pathetically, as though you’re about to die of hunger at any given moment?  You have food.  You have water.  You have many warm places to sleep.  Do you somehow sense a disturbance in the air before my alarm rings and therefore try to beat it to the punch?
  • Also, why do you look so evil in photographs?

    What’s so fascinating about the water in the toilet bowl?  Is it really that fun to watch or do you somehow think it’s going to transport you to a new dimension full of catnip and mice if you can manage to hurry up and splash it at just the right time?

  • Could you perhaps try not to be such a night owl?  I realize cats are nocturnal but your playtime coincides directly with my bedtime and you don’t seem to appreciate the fact that I need sleep if I’m not going to punt you across the bedroom when you wake me up so damn early.
  • How on earth did you manage to teach yourself to open doors?  Thankfully you’re not strong enough to turn the knob (yet) but just catching you on your hind legs with your paws on the handle was enough to make me consider extra padlocks.
  • Where are you hiding my straws?  Just because Mommy enjoys a stiff drink some nights is not an invitation to steal straws and use them as playthings to your hearts content.  Where’s your stockpile?
  • Why haven’t you started doing dishes as I’ve repeatedly asked?
  • How is it possible to sleep for 21 hours a day without slipping into a coma?  And can you teach me?
  • What is it about my couches that makes them so much more desirable to scratch rather than your scratching post?  That post was not cheap and is still almost brand new.  It’s scientifically designed for you to scratch.  Don’t you understand that every time you scratch my couch an angel loses its wings?
  • Do you really think I won’t notice or care when you’ve knocked over one of my plants?  What is that about?
  • How on earth can something your size eat so little yet poop so much?  Are you somehow enlisting the help of your friends and then collecting all samples and depositing them in your own litter box?  I think you crap enough to be considered one of the Modern Wonders of the World.
  • Do you like your new home and living with us?  Because regardless of the little things that drive me crazy, I’m awfully fond of you.  Our apartment sure beats living on the street.  Right?  Right?
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